shy like a pigeon

[asakiyume]

Eve Shi introduce me to this great phrase, shy like a pigeon. It means someone who seems gregarious, but flies off if you get too close. I really understand that! I can be really sociable so long as there's a certain distance built in, like with .... drumroll .... social media!¹ Specifically, the sort of interaction that you can get on LJ/DW. You can share all sorts of thoughts, chat, enthuse about whatever it is you want to enthuse about, even give or receive comfort and consolation--but you can also retreat, and by and large people won't mind too much. It reminds me of something sovay said about a writer's characterization, that his characters were "on the whole are drawn more vividly than deeply." It's that type of friendship, vivid but not deep.

Of course you can *make* it deep. I bet anyone who's been online for more than a few years has had serious, lasting friendships blossom from their online interactions. I know several people who've gotten married to people they met online. But when it gets deep, most probably you're no longer interacting solely through LJ/DW. Probably you're meeting up in person, sending private messages or emails, maybe exchanging paper letters, maybe phoning--you're getting to know the person through more than one medium.

But once a friendship is a deep one, you can't convert it back into a shallow one. You can drift apart as friends--that happens--but you'll never not have shared a deep friendship. And if you have a social-media space made up of people who are mainly close friends, that's very different from a social-media space made up of strangers and acquaintances. Speaking for myself (but I'm willing to bet this is true for many people), it changes how you interact. You have responsibilities in a way you don't if you're interacting with strangers and acquaintances.

Musing on the nature of online interactions and in-the-flesh interactions, and what friendship is, etc. etc., has gradually led me to the conclusion that I haven't been a very good real-life friend to very many people. I **haven't** done that thing that gets talked about in every movie and every essay on friendship: I haven't been there as a supportive presence for people in hard times. Not very much. Part of me wants to say that it took my mother dying, and having to be there for my dad, for me to understand what being there for someone really means. Kind of late in life to learn that stuff.

But I'm trying harder now. Still in a very limited way, because, see above, shy like a pigeon. (Or maybe I shouldn't blame shyness. Maybe it's just selfishness.)

I thought I might segue into talking about how being in a social-media space composed of actual friends lends itself to certain types of posts and inhibits others, but as I think about it more, I think a lot of that comes down to personal styles--it's actually hard to generalize on. Maybe what I could talk about would be my own feelings on that--but another time.


¹And not just social media. Acquaintanceship through some shared activity can be like this; my interactions with people in my book group feels similar. Warm, friendly, but not too deep.

Comments

[lilysea]

Thank you for this post! ^_^

[asakiyume]

My pleasure! Thanks for coming by and reading!

[missroserose]

I like that phrase a lot. I think I identify with it more than a little bit.

Something that's been coming to light in my life recently is how I connect with people romantically. To me, sexual/romantic attraction is inextricably interlinked with emotional intimacy. I'm actually quite capable of listening and offering support to people in difficult situations - a former roommate of mine used to tease me about the "Free Shrink" sign that was clearly pasted on my forehead. But, correspondingly, I'm one of the more emotionally guarded people I know; vulnerability on that front is completely terrifying to me. This is less of an issue in the NRE phase of a relationship, where the hormones and intensity of feeling promote bonding, but later on, as things settle down into a comfortable groove, maintaining that level of openness is...incredibly difficult. (So now, in the way of these things, I'm romantically interested in someone who's even more guarded than I am, heh. What's good for the goose...)

[asakiyume]

I think people can be drawn to confide in people who seem (or are) emotionally reserved because those people seem safe (like they won't turn around and share the confidences with the whole world), and maybe reserved people give the impression of having things more together (even though that's not necessarily the case!)? And maybe reserved people seem like (or are?) better listeners.

[missroserose]

I think these are all good points! That last one especially strikes me; some years ago I came across a description in a book of a character who was supposed to be good to talk to because it felt like they were really listening to what you had to say, not just waiting their turn to speak. Having met many people in the interim who fell into that latter category, I can attest that the former is a rare thing; I've tried hard to cultivate that ability. Interestingly, though, while I've met plenty of people who are happy to be listened to, there are also a few who find it disconcerting. Like, they'll happily go on about their lives, but when I ask questions that show I've been listening and actually considering what they say, they get discomfited. It makes me wonder about our overall communication culture, that these people clearly don't expect to be listened to (and just as clearly so rarely encounter exceptions to their expectations).

[cmcmck]

I know what you mean about online friendships- I've got to meet people from on here in the 'real world' and there have been some lasting friendships as a result. :o)

[asakiyume]

Yes, I think it's only natural!

[sartorias]

That's a great observation about friendships that spill into different media.

I also think the style thing can be an important aspect of not just what people post, but how we receive those posts, and interact. For example, I really enjoy X in real life. But X's twitter feed is all promotion all the time, and they aren't on any other platform I visit at all. So my online interactions are minimal. In spite of some fairly serious conversations in real life.

[asakiyume]

Yes, people can be very different from platform to platform, and then very different again in real life. I think this is especially true if people have a particular purpose in mind for their social-media activities (like promoting a book).

[sartorias]

...or thinking that a specific platform is their Promotion Platform, as they are supposed to be doing promotion.

I think it's hard for people who are not at all inclined toward self-promo to do it, so they grit their teeth and force it out in one area so they can say they are doing it.

[asakiyume]

Yup--I agree.

[osprey_archer]

Oh, this is interesting. Lots to chew over here...

I think learning to be a good friend - or not just a friend; to be good at relationships in general - takes a long time; we get very little explicit instruction in it, so we all just have to muddle along as best we can.

And in particular when it comes to being supportive to people in hard times - I think that's very hard, because that's often the time when people are least able to verbalize what they want or need from you - and maybe aren't sure themselves, either? People can seesaw between "Why isn't anyone helping me?" and "I wish they'd all leave me alone."

And, on the other end, it feels like any mistake you make is going to be massive, like you'll be that one character from a book who says something horrible and tactless that reverberates in the main character's heart for years after the event. So that can be paralyzing, too.

[asakiyume]

It does take a long time to learn, and I'd say we never graduate out of learning, because the types of relationships we're in keep on changing. Yes, they're all friendships, but the dynamics when you're two third-graders being friends are different from when you're two grad students being friends, or two baristas being friends, or two young moms being friends, or a young mom and a retired woman, or a grad student and a teen tutee, etc. etc. etc.

And yes! Fear of making a mistake can be paralyzing, or (in my case) fear of letting people down or being handed a responsibility I felt too weak to handle.

[queenoftheskies]

I've been very lucky to meet some special people online. Which has, in many instances, led to meeting them in real life, too. And, I found them to be just as special in person.

On the flip side, I've met people in real life and then found them on social media, too.

Either way, it's special. And it's awesome. And meaningful.

[asakiyume]

Yeah: I like that these days people remind each other that online **is** real life. It's just another mode of interaction, and it's perfectly capable of carrying us to meaningful long-term friendships.

[athenais]

Ah, this is stuff that matters to me so much!

I am not at all shy like a pigeon. I'm gregarious, I want to meet people, I like making new friends. If I can find them in a place like a blogging community it is just as perfect as if I met them in real life. But unlike you I don't typically feel I can just retreat. I feel like I've made a commitment as real as if we were friends in person. Okay, sometimes I step back, sometimes it would be hugely inappropriate for me to do more than express sympathy to someone I read. I am simply not their real friend no matter how much investment I might have in this online life.

I have long known that I view the online journal as something that requires active participation by others, seeing a social contract at work: you comment on mine, I comment on yours. Alas, that social contract is not universally perceived and never was except for the early years, maybe 1996-1999. Friends will read me and say nothing for long stretches. They're getting their dose of Athenais and they feel connected, while I feel unvalued and ignored. At least I know it's my take on how things work and not someone else's fault. But the end result is I'm over here wanting to be part of people's lives and they're over there saying, "No further, you're just pixels."

On Facebook I won't accept a friend request from anyone but real life friends. On my journals I let anyone read me. And yet I feel more inhibited about what I share at FB.

I don't know about shy like pigeons and I couldn't possibly say you are or are not selfish, but I know being there for people means having compassion. I have had to learn to be more compassionate about others. It's working pretty well now; wasn't good at it before my 40s.

[asakiyume]

To what you were saying about people reading but not commenting, it reminds me of a thing I've felt very sharply in recent years: the realization that however much people say "You're in my thoughts," that fact JUST DOES NOT TRANSMIT without actions. Sometimes it mutually doesn't matter much: those cases of friends who correspond a few times a year but when they meet up feel as close as ever, and no one feels hard done by. But other times, the thinking-without-acting really hurts the other person. Now, when I think of an old friend, or a friend I know is going through hard times, I try reach out to them in some way.

I think it's natural to feel more inhibited to post on Facebook. On LJ/DW, the foundational rule is, "We'll share things with people who are interested in reading." I feel like the foundational rule on Facebook is something different, though I'm hard pressed to say what it is. It feels more like neighbors talking to each other when they bump into each other at the supermarket or something. But people have lots of different ways of using Facebook; I guess I'm only thinking of what I've observed, which is probably not at all representative.

I never have thought about people here as being just pixels, though--I never felt like I could (or wanted to) just blow people off or anything like that. I guess I felt like people were less likely to **need** me here, and that made me feel more comfortable. But of course, people can need you anywhere, so ...

[osprey_archer]

the realization that however much people say "You're in my thoughts," that fact JUST DOES NOT TRANSMIT without actions.

Yes! This! Very much this. Sometimes it can be almost a slap in the face when people say that: it's like they want the kudos for supportive without doing any of the actual work.

I'm hard-pressed to think of a foundational rule for posting on Facebook, too, which may be why I make new Facebook friends with some trepidation now. Is this one going to post long political rants? Endless links to Upworthy articles? Five hundred pictures of their babies and/or cats? I like baby and/or cat photos, but there has to be some moderation.

[asakiyume]

I had to laugh about the endless links to Upworthy articles--and actually, that makes me remember my new heuristic for what content to reblog on Tumblr--namely, it has to have under 10,000 views. If it has more, I figure, this thing has moved around plenty; I don't need to be yet another voice broadcasting it. But cool things that have been less seen are worth spreading around.

[athenais]

My own rule at Facebook is, "Remember everything you say here is being monetized." So I don't offer up how my head works or write other people's stories there. On the other hand, I rarely post memes or share articles. I offer personal content. Anyone who is on my list gets a piece of me, not someone else's work.

[asakiyume]

Whoa, yeah: it's very important to remember that fact.

I don't share popular articles on Facebook because I figure they're already moving around enough; they don't need my help spreading. Every now and then I'll post an article (less now than in the past because I don't post much there now), but it'll be something connected to something I'm personally involved in--jail stuff, or East Timor stuff, or whatever. I'll share things that close friends or family are trying to get seen, just because that's a way of being supportive--though since I'ms so inactive, I'm not sure how much my doing that helps (but I think they appreciate the support, even if it doesn't help much).

But mainly my brief visits to Facebook are spent checking up on people whom I don't see any other place. I'll read and react (usually just with a thumbs-up or one of the other icons) to something they've posted, very occasionally will post a comment.

[athenais]

That kind of sharing doesn't bother me at all, I think it's good and I often learn some interesting things. I think that is actually personal content in a way. I was thinking of so many friends who do nothing but post memes and links to articles that preach to the choir.

[asakiyume]

Yeah, preach to the choir, or try to get the choir enraged. "DID YOU KNOW THIS AWFUL THING HAPPENED?! OMG BE ANGRY!"