at the intersection

[asakiyume]

At more and more intersections, especially ones with multiple lanes of traffic, there are people holding up signs saying they're homeless and hungry and asking if you can spare anything. When traffic is moving, cars are speeding by. When traffic is stopped, though, I guess some people must give, otherwise no one would bother asking.

I feel even more conflicted about this form of panhandling than I do about other forms because it seems dangerous, mainly for the person begging, but potentially for others too.

I've never seen anyone give anything to anyone, until yesterday. The light was red. We were in the left lane, right next to the panhandler, but were resolutely ignoring her. (Usually it's a older man there, but yesterday it was a young woman, all bundled up.) Then the car next to us in the right lane honked. The white-haired woman in that car rolled down her window and called to the panhandler, holding out a ziplock bag containing two water bottle and a sleeve of crackers. The panhandler crossed in front of our car to get to the woman with the bag, smiled and thanked her, and walked back to the island between the opposing lanes of traffic, all before the light turned.

That moment of exchange seemed just . . . good. Both women seemed happy. Putting everything else aside--and I know we can't really do that, but--if you ask, it must be consoling, heartening, warming, any number of other good things, to have someone respond. And the older woman didn't just happen to have that stuff in her car; she must have prepared the bag in advance. It must have been wonderful to help someone, even if just in a small way.

Comments

[pdlloyd.livejournal.com]

I grew up with the message that helping panhandlers keeps them on the street. However, I've learned that the forces that put people on the street are much more complex, and sharing a bit with them, when possible, not only doesn't contribute to their misery, but can help to make a difficult day in a difficult life just a tiny bit less miserable. I've learned not to worry about the choices they might make with what I give them.

I can't always provide anything. Unlike the woman with her water bottles and crackers, I'm rarely prepared. Sometimes, I may have some food with me, or some cash. Most of the time, I don't. Sometimes, I can cope with the discomfort of looking someone in the eyes, even when I can't help at that moment, and sometimes I can't. Still, making eye contact, even for a moment, can be a way of acknowledging to someone that they are real, and there's little danger to me in my car.

So, I help when I can, even if that isn't often enough. I try to see people when I can, and let them see me seeing them, when I can. But, it's very much a day to day thing. So, I try not to beat myself up about it, even when I'm not as generous as I wish to be.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this. I think I've just about arrived at your insights in the first paragraph, and what you say about what you do, now, helps too. I don't think I'll always feel prepared, or able to do anything, but I hope I'll **sometimes** do something. I think that's what I want to reach for, and hearing what you do gives me something to aim for and also a way to not be harsh with myself.

[ivy]

I find that offering food usually goes pretty well. I live in a major city and I eat out at a lot of restaurants. I have myself drilled to get a to-go box for anything I don't eat, and if I see someone hungry on the way home, I tell them what it is and ask if they'd like it. A good 80% of the time, they're really happy to have it. (If I don't find anyone who would like it on the way home, I know my partner will eat it. He eats everything. But we always have enough to eat, and many folks aren't so fortunate, so they get priority.)

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

*nodding*

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

It got so dangerous here that they had to crack down some years back.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I was curious, as I was contemplating writing this, and did a couple of internet searches, and found out that various cities have passed ordinances for that reason, though those ordinances have also been challenged in places.

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

Folks here were trying to clean windscreens and it became really dangerous. Credit for trying to earn something rather than just be given it, but......

[wuweibaby.livejournal.com]

I give rarely, but sometimes. And sometimes I smile and wave, which seems appreciated. Mostly, I don't do anything. There are so many.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Yes, to everything you say. Mostly I don't either, but I do try to acknowledge people... though I wasn't even doing that, yesterday ....

[yamamanama.livejournal.com]

Seems like a bad place to be homeless. But I guess that's what people want.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I always thought it seemed like a not-very-productive place to ask for money, but I must be wrong, because more and more people are doing it.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Mostly I direct my giving to homeless shelters and other programs where it will do the most hypothetical good.

There was an older guy who looked just like a cousin of mine who is dying of Agent Orange exposure. I gave him a $20 and we both cried and he called me missy. My cousin used to call me missy sometimes when I was tiny. The guy's hands were shaking. Could have been dts or cold or some other neurological problem, not Agent Orange exposure, but it didn't matter to me what it was.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Giving to homeless shelters is an excellent thing, and I think it does do good, actual good.

... I think, now--these thoughts are always evolving and subject to change! maybe even during the course of this conversation!--that giving in person does actual good too, like your story shows. I feel like the older guy, and your cousin, and you, and me (because I participate by reading) are all saved a little by your giving. "Saved" in what sense, I don't know. I don't mean going-to-heaven saved. I think I mean, it's food for our hearts. We need those moments. That guy's hands, the fact that he called you Missy, the fct that you did the thing.

Thanks for sharing.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know people who won't give them money, but will give them other stuff they have on them. I've been told by two city people that the real homeless light up with gratitude and the scam artists cuss you out. Which, of course, propagates outward to make it harder for the ones in real need. I've only given money once, and passed on quickly to lose myself in the crowd--I wasn't sure if I'd been scammed--but I did it.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I've given money now and then and have felt really... sad and complicated afterward, and I wonder if it's because the act of giving shows up how rotten the situation is--whatever it is (i.e., whether it's a scam, or bad fortune, or--whatever)

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

Yes! That, too. For some reason I feel better about giving money to street performers.

[pameladean]

I don't have anything to give these days, as a rule; but I did decide some time ago that people who are asking for money on the street may not really have a baby who needs diapers, or may not really need to get their car fixed so they can go to work, but they need SOMETHING, and the whole situation is too complicated for me to decide whether or not they should have it. It's like those teenagers who show up without costumes around nine in the evening on Halloween. They may not need candy, but they need something, and candy's what I have. When I had money, that was what I had. So I would give them some.

It's much more complicated in the middle of traffic just because of logistics.

P.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

The way you put it is just right. The people asking need something. The example of the teenagers on halloween is a great one. About the kids round here who do that, I figure, they need to be allowed to be kids still. They need to still be smiled at and indulged. It's hard to give that up and face teen angst, and after that, adulthood. (I mean, I know some people have hard childhoods and are happy to gain some autonomy and the ability to escape, but I'm talking about the majority of kids I see in my own neighborhood.)

[pameladean]

Thanks, it took me years to arrive at any kind of formulation of this very complex situation. (I really liked your original story; sorry I didn't say at once.)

I think your idea about the teenage kids in your neighborhood who show up on Halloween without costumes is probably more broadly applicable. I'm sure some of the ones who do that around here are also unhappy to lose that aspect of childhood, particularly the ones I recognize from earlier years when they did have costumes. Some of the others may not be able to afford much of a costume and are being defiant rather than deciding to put together something that isn't what they want. And sometimes one kid will have a domino, or whiskers drawn on their cheeks, a fancy hat or something of that sort.

P.

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

One of my favorite maxims about such situations - good deeds are for the sake of the giver as much as the recipient. We can't control whether or not someone's truly in need, or whether they use our gift for "good" purposes; however, we can give, and feel better about ourselves for having contributed in some small way to alleviating suffering.

I'm also torn on intersection panhandling. It is dangerous, but at the same time, car culture is so prevalent in America that there are areas where there's not really any other option - they don't have the pedestrian density to make sidewalk efforts worthwhile. From a sociological standpoint, though, I'm curious if it's as effective as asking for change in person. One of the aspects of car culture I dislike strongly is how effectively it insulates us from each other; having that glass and metal between us and the person asking (as well as a limited amount of time to dig in one's purse before the light changes) seems to me like it would reduce the number of respondents. Although, given the throughput at any given intersection, maybe the sheer numbers balance out the reduced response rate.

I do try to give when I can. I'm lucky enough to be in a position where I have far more resources than I need, and while I do donate to organizations, it hurts me very little to drop a couple of singles in someone's cup. Recently I've been giving out those gift bags my friends and I put together; my favorite reaction so far has been one gentleman who was happy to see the new wool socks in them...and then ecstatic when he turned the bag over and saw the packet of Chips Ahoy. It was a little humbling to realize how bare of small luxuries his life must be.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I love that you did that. And yeah, it's definitely a two-way experience. Both parties are giving and receiving.

[athenais.livejournal.com]

I've given money when I have it to those guys, a buck or two, sometimes five. The way I figure it, no one does that unless they could use the money. There has always been an exchange of smiles and thank yous and please try to get to a shelter if you cans. Never any cussing or sour looks that it wasn't enough or attempts to wash my windshield. I was heartbroken last week when I saw a young man looking a little rough sitting by an intersection with a sign. It said, "Just hungry."

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I'm really touched to hear it. I'm glad you do.

[roseneko.livejournal.com]

Yesterday after work I saw a youngish gentleman with a sign that just said "Homeless and Ashamed". What really got me, though, was his whole posture - it was clear the sign was the painful truth. Everything about him spoke of despair.

I handed him one of my gift bags, and when he looked up at me in surprise, I just said with all the authentic conviction I could muster, "There's no need for shame, sir. Good luck to you." I don't know that he was in a place where he could hear it, but it was what I could offer at the time.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Friendliness never goes amiss, I think.

(Or rather, since I can't ever think anything without then thinking about when it's not true, etc. etc., sure: sometimes people can misinterpret or misunderstand things, BUT, generally speaking, I think friendliness never goes amiss)

[dudeshoes.livejournal.com]

That's a smart woman. I'm a little afraid of aggressive stoplight panhandlers myself and how they would react if it weren't money they got. I once asked a wonderful woman who works with homeless people if she ever gives money. She doesn't, but she does offer help of other kinds, and always speaks nicely to people. Mother Teresa said to smile. I do that but not at stoplights.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I understand being afraid. Recently, though, every time I've interacted with someone who's on the street, asking for money, it's been a positive experience. But much of the time, I don't interact. I want to get so that I at least smile more. The stories people are sharing here are really inspiring.

[amaebi.livejournal.com]

I have a sequence of stories and thinks about this set of stuff that I think I tend to tell too often.Maybe I don't. I'll post about it soon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Oh, I think they always bear repeating. I've been through this whole cycle of thought before, and I even know my own responses, what I want to do, and where I tend to fail, but even though the topic is a familiar one, and even though the responses, broadly, are all well known, each time I (or someone else) brings it up, there are shades of color of insight that are ones I hadn't seen/heard before.

[ericmarin.livejournal.com]

I don't give money to folks at intersections, but I will give them packaged snacks, if I have any in the car and the stoplight timing works out. I walk to get lunch most weekdays, so if I am heading back to work with something to eat and someone asks for money, I will offer them part of my lunch, instead. If they accept it, which they usually do, I go back and buy that part of my lunch again.

I'm glad you posted about this, as it reminded me to follow up on something I've been meaning to do: fill a grocery bag full of snack bars to keep in the car to hand out.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I'm touched and happy to hear that so many people I'm friends with do do this. I'm going to make a point of doing it too.

[ericmarin.livejournal.com]

:-)

[noachoc.livejournal.com]

I try to keep granola bars on hand to give to people...

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Those are a handy, nonspoiling, easy-to-carry thing. Good idea.