the touch of a stranger

[asakiyume]

One of the most adventurous things I've ever done was go to Timor-Leste, alone, and not just Timor-Leste, but Ainaro, a mountain town a half-day's journey from Dili, the capital. I'm proud of myself for that: I found an English-teaching organization that I could plausibly crash without inconveniencing them too terribly; I reached out, made an application, got accepted, saved money, and went.

My first night was spent in a hostel in Dili. I had gotten a private room, but I was so tense, knowing that the next morning I must successfully get on a bus to Ainaro, that there was no way I could settle. I came out into a common room where an Australian guy was sitting on a fake leather couch, having beer after beer, and watching cartoons on an old TV. He said something pleasant when I came in, and after that we just sat silently together, watching the cartoons. Just being in the presence of another human relaxed me.

I got on the bus successfully the next day--this entry talks about the trip and mentions Victor, the guy I traveled pressed against, because the bus was very packed.

As shelter-in-place has stretched on, the thing I've been thinking of, about that trip--something I didn't mention in that entry--was how soothed I felt to be body-to-body next to someone. It must sound strange. I know that in those sorts of situations on public transportation the world over people get assaulted or harassed, but that wasn't my experience. On the contrary, I felt as safe and cared-for a baby in a parent's arms. I know I was just a visitor and guest, but with skin pressed against skin, I had a literal, tactile connection, and it soaked in. I mean, I don't know how it was for Victor! But for me, something has lingered and never left.

That's something people are missing now. I think of people who are going through quarantine alone, not able to touch anyone ... it's terrible. But I think it's more than that, because I have a husband and a (grown) child whom I can touch and who can touch me, and yet I'm still craving something. My skin yearns to touch and be touched by others--acquaintances, friends, strangers.

Well. Quarantine won't last forever.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I hear you. I have never minded sitting on public transit crammed in next to someone who wasn't objectionable, because something about the press of skin to skin, shoulder to shoulder, carries animal comfort. (And I say this as someone who has had to deal with objectionable people of various kinds. I know the risks. :/ )

Also, I love your travel tales. :D

[asakiyume]

This means a lot: that you, who *have* had to deal with unpleasant people, feels this too.

[sonia]

Makes total sense to me, at a body level, that it felt soothing and safe to be in contact with a well-intentioned human.

I miss that kind of touch. I live alone, and I had worked reliable substitutes into my life, folk dancing where we hold hands and occasionally waltz, giving and occasionally receiving bodywork. And now all of that is suspended for an indeterminate time. My cat is wonderfully cuddly, but it's not the same.

[asakiyume]

This is exactly what I'm talking about. We do what we need to do, but it's a hardship. (Also: much respect and admiration for you for finding ways to *put* touch into your life under normal circumstances.)

[gale_storm]

‘be in contact with a well-intentioned human’

I’m starting to wonder at whether intention is something that can be read through skin-to-skin contact. Cats are great, but not the same for us humans, I guess you’re saying. Cats might well think the same of us, as we’re different from their littermates.

[sovay]

how soothed I felt to be body-to-body next to someone. It must sound strange.

It doesn't sound strange. It is very comfortable just to coexist with people. If you're not weird and they're not weird, it's cool.

[asakiyume]

It doesn't sound strange. Thank you--I figured that if I could say it right, it wouldn't, because I don't believe that something felt so natural in such a basic way could be that weird, but I also wasn't sure about my ability to say it in a way that captured that.

[ckd]

Touch starvation is really grinding me down. The weighted blanket I bought is helping, but not nearly enough.

I didn't get a whole lot of touch day to day in the Before Time, but usually managed to "tank up" in bursts. Norwescon and (even more so) Penguicon would have been opportunities for hugs, giving of massages, etc.

Even the current state of things would be easier to deal with if I had WisCon, Fourth Street, and/or Readercon to look forward to....

(Some of my best coping mechanisms have been combinations of travel, gathering with friends, and getting lots of touch. This pandemic blocks them all.)

[asakiyume]

I'm really sorry. :( Consider this post a giant I-hear-you. It *is* very wearing/wearying :(

[cmcmck]

Sigh :o(

I remember being able to travel...........

[asakiyume]

((hugs))
We'll be able to do it again one day.

[aamcnamara]

Yeah. I miss not being able to see / be near / touch specific beloved people fiercely (so fiercely), but also, I miss being around people at all. And I love living alone! And I'm a total introvert! But oof da, I've been inside on my own for more than a month and a half now.

Yesterday I went out to help distribute narcan with the local harm reduction group, the most I'd been around humans in a long time, and that was...really good? In addition to the purposeful action of handing out something that may save people's lives. I was nervous about going but I'm glad I did. I am not sure if having had a taste of People will improve things for my coping going forward or make it harder, but either way I think it was worth it.

Neko Case is a wonder and a comfort.

[asakiyume]

Bless you for handing out the Narcan! Reading that nearly brings tears to my eyes (... like, everything? But still: THANK YOU for doing that).

And yeah, I love her.

[aamcnamara]

<3 Now that I have been better from being sick for a while, I have been wanting to figure out ways to help out in the community, and that one is definitely important! We handed out maybe 20 kits? At least a dozen. Who knows if any of them will ever get used (hopefully no one will need them!) but, like many good and important actions, you do it just in case and let it go into the universe.

[asakiyume]

you do it just in case and let it go into the universe. 💕💕

[sartorias]

Well described. I utterly understand that when it comes to pets--I miss mine terribly when I travel, family too. I'm too terrified of being repellant to anyone outside that very narrow circle to ever crave touch, but I understand it.

[asakiyume]

Pets are *such* generous givers of touch! So wonderful--do they even know how wonderful they are?? I suspect not. (Well maybe some cats do...)

[mallorys_camera]

It does sound a little bit strange to me, in the context of Third World travel! 😀

But I do think there is something about you—your superpower perhaps!—that can transform potentially iffy experiences into positive experiences. 😀

[asakiyume]

I would be most delighted to have that superpower... but I wouldn't like to rely on having it, heh.

[amaebi]

Wise as always.

I do think that serenity is contagious.

As, of course, are disturbance and panic.

[rachelmanija]

It has been two months since I've touched another human being for any reason whatsoever. Including casual touches like hands touching when handing over objects, brushing against in close quarters, etc.

[asakiyume]

I can imagine losing it and just running up to someone and clapping them on the back, giving them a hug, etc... I mean, if someone *did* that to you, it would be scary assault, but I can imagine just flipping out like that at some point.

It will be very, very good when we can touch again.

[rachelmanija]

With the bonus of that could literally be lethal.

Once we have a vaccine, I imagine all the world will be like that photo of the V-Day sailor and nurse.

[asakiyume]

I'm sure of it!

[athenais]

That is so interesting! But it's what baby animals do, make contact to settle our nerves.

I felt brave whenever I traveled someplace alone, which is not all that often. But I have never tested myself in the way you did when you went to Timor-Leste.

[asakiyume]

Right? It does settle the nerves. Very calming.

Yeah, it was a rare moment of daring for me.

[amaebi]

I think you're quite correct.

Two things your post makes me think about, tangentially:

Storge, as appreciated by C.S. Lewis
Suzette Haden Elgin's understanding and discussion of touch-dominant people-- people whose most fundamentally integral sense is touch, and who not only typically really need touch, but are better served by communication in figurative language based on touch. (Which is unfortunately rare in English.)

[asakiyume]

That's interesting, the idea of touch-dominant people. Human beings sure are a varied lot.

[birke]

When I was a child in Seoul, I used to enjoy our rare trips on the subway. The cars were so packed that you didn't have to hold on to anything to stay upright. I liked having that inevitable human contact.

I probably wouldn't like it so much anymore, now that I'm a grown woman and I've seen some of Seoul's sexual harassment stats -- and experienced more sexual harassment myself. I'm very pro-touch still, but only with other women.

[asakiyume]

I totally understand childhood-you's feeling about the subway car--and adult you's narrowing of when and with whom that sort of contact is still okay.