attraction
Mar. 22nd, 2019 12:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Week two of teaching completed. I love the students; I love the actual in-classroom time. Actually being employed by the jail, though, is stressful and traumatic. I haven't felt so much free-floating anxiety in a long time. I keep telling myself to breath deeply. This story is unrelated.
The first time I lived in Japan was after college. I lived for a while in special housing for foreign exchange students, where my closest friends were two women my age--a French exchange student and an Italian one. The French one, S, was ethnically Chinese, born in Tahiti, and grew up in New Caledonia, mais comme une vraie française, elle se identifie comme française, et pas comme chinoise ou caledonienne. (Not sure how grammatical that French is... just wanted to see what I could recall.)
She had a way of pulling me in. We'd be sitting in her room on her bed; she'd be looking at a magazine of photography and smoking (everyone smoked, it seemed to me, except me). So she'd be looking at this magazine, and she'd take a drag on the cigarette and thrust the magazine in front of me and say, "What do you think of this photo?" And she'd look at me intently, like it was the most important question of the decade, or at least the evening. And so I'd say what I thought. And if she agreed, she'd say "Yes! YES!" positively joyfully, and we'd talk on about the picture. And if she disagreed, she'd say vehemently, "Not me--I think [whatever]," but not with huge disappointment that we weren't in accord, but just as if it was very necessary to share what she felt.
I felt so delighted when we agreed, and so desperate to understand her point of view when we didn't.
Like me, she had a Japanese boyfriend. One time we somehow got into a conversation that somehow led to something like, What if the two of us kissed? "I don't think it would be cheating," S said, "because we're girls."
I don't have the world's strongest sex drive, but I felt a thrill just then, and a sense of possibility, but also danger.
"I think it probably would be cheating," I said.
. . . Nothing ended up happening.
We stayed in touch for a long time and even now are tenuously connected thanks to Facebook.
This memory brought to you courtesy of
mallorys_camera, who was writing about attraction and got me thinking.
The first time I lived in Japan was after college. I lived for a while in special housing for foreign exchange students, where my closest friends were two women my age--a French exchange student and an Italian one. The French one, S, was ethnically Chinese, born in Tahiti, and grew up in New Caledonia, mais comme une vraie française, elle se identifie comme française, et pas comme chinoise ou caledonienne. (Not sure how grammatical that French is... just wanted to see what I could recall.)
She had a way of pulling me in. We'd be sitting in her room on her bed; she'd be looking at a magazine of photography and smoking (everyone smoked, it seemed to me, except me). So she'd be looking at this magazine, and she'd take a drag on the cigarette and thrust the magazine in front of me and say, "What do you think of this photo?" And she'd look at me intently, like it was the most important question of the decade, or at least the evening. And so I'd say what I thought. And if she agreed, she'd say "Yes! YES!" positively joyfully, and we'd talk on about the picture. And if she disagreed, she'd say vehemently, "Not me--I think [whatever]," but not with huge disappointment that we weren't in accord, but just as if it was very necessary to share what she felt.
I felt so delighted when we agreed, and so desperate to understand her point of view when we didn't.
Like me, she had a Japanese boyfriend. One time we somehow got into a conversation that somehow led to something like, What if the two of us kissed? "I don't think it would be cheating," S said, "because we're girls."
I don't have the world's strongest sex drive, but I felt a thrill just then, and a sense of possibility, but also danger.
"I think it probably would be cheating," I said.
. . . Nothing ended up happening.
We stayed in touch for a long time and even now are tenuously connected thanks to Facebook.
This memory brought to you courtesy of
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
no subject
Date: 2019-03-22 07:00 pm (UTC)I am glad you didn't lose track of her.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-22 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-22 07:44 pm (UTC)I'm sorry to hear about the stress involved in your teaching job. It seems to be a nearly-universal thing among teaching jobs that the stress comes mostly from administration rather than in-class difficulties. I'm beginning my anatomy teaching next week (after a delay thanks to the flu), and I'm curious how that one will shake out.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 11:21 am (UTC)If I think about the stress rationally, I think it's a combination of the fact that jails are awful places, and now I have to be more intimate with one (whereas before I was only dipping in, then out) and the fact that it's a type of role (subordinate with bosses) that I haven't been in in a long time, so there's the stress of a new experience. The latter thing will gradually go down, but the former won't. I might post about that but it would have to be under a lock.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-22 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 11:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-22 09:08 pm (UTC)She knew about what I was going through and taught me SO much about what it all really meant.
She later became an Anglican minister which didn't really surprise me and we are still very much in touch forty plus years later.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 02:44 am (UTC)Your roommate sounds like a fascinating lady in the original sense of the word. :)
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 11:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 04:29 am (UTC)What a wonderful experience. It would be so amazing to live with and learn from people of other countries.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 11:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 01:30 pm (UTC)I did a little bit of GED work with incarcerated women when I worked with the literacy project in Tompkins County. I found it really tough. So God bless you. What you're doing is a great mitzvah.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 03:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 02:54 pm (UTC)Also, I’m reminded of my year of boarding school. :)
I admire your work very much, and hope the stress abates soon.
While I did jail and prison visits as a pastor, I was swiftly aware that I shouldn’t do jail or prison work regularly. Jail and prison made me too mad.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 02:59 pm (UTC)Yeah, regarding the jail, I might post a locked entry at some point.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 04:57 pm (UTC)There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.
I guess it's a combination of physical traits that we like for whatever reason and also the soul behind the person. And it's very rare. For me anyway.
I feel exactly the same about teaching. Get rid of all the bureaucratic stuff that comes with it and it would make things so much less stressful.
:/
no subject
Date: 2019-03-24 02:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-23 08:49 pm (UTC)Re: the jail - I hope things get better over time. If not, at least you're only on a few months contract, which will give you a clear time to bow out if you decide that's what you want to do.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-24 02:43 am (UTC)Regarding cheating, I'm more forgiving of it among the young, because when you're young, you're learning who you are and who and how you love. But even young people should be honest with each other. It's the deception that bothers me most about cheating.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-27 10:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-28 12:08 pm (UTC)I was able to do it for years as a volunteer because it was one day a week and I wasn't complicit in the whole architecture, but as an employee I kind of am. And as an employee, I have to see more of the horrors.
The students are great: they're motivated, interested, lively. The classroom feels like a classroom anywhere. But jails are jails, and there's just so much misery in them--even if they intend/want to be humane.
no subject
Date: 2019-03-28 11:28 pm (UTC)Anything is better than nothing – you will have given them something of value, which will stay with them, no matter how long you last. (As they will you.) Best of luck!
no subject
Date: 2019-03-27 02:00 pm (UTC)I was kissed by a girl once, and I did not like it. I'm not sure if it was because she took me completely by surprise, or if it was because I wasn't attracted to her.
That was BTW. my first unexpected kiss of the evening. It's happened only twice in my life, so maybe I was hexed that day?
no subject
Date: 2019-03-28 12:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-30 02:25 pm (UTC)