attraction

[asakiyume]

Week two of teaching completed. I love the students; I love the actual in-classroom time. Actually being employed by the jail, though, is stressful and traumatic. I haven't felt so much free-floating anxiety in a long time. I keep telling myself to breath deeply. This story is unrelated.

The first time I lived in Japan was after college. I lived for a while in special housing for foreign exchange students, where my closest friends were two women my age--a French exchange student and an Italian one. The French one, S, was ethnically Chinese, born in Tahiti, and grew up in New Caledonia, mais comme une vraie française, elle se identifie comme française, et pas comme chinoise ou caledonienne. (Not sure how grammatical that French is... just wanted to see what I could recall.)

She had a way of pulling me in. We'd be sitting in her room on her bed; she'd be looking at a magazine of photography and smoking (everyone smoked, it seemed to me, except me). So she'd be looking at this magazine, and she'd take a drag on the cigarette and thrust the magazine in front of me and say, "What do you think of this photo?" And she'd look at me intently, like it was the most important question of the decade, or at least the evening. And so I'd say what I thought. And if she agreed, she'd say "Yes! YES!" positively joyfully, and we'd talk on about the picture. And if she disagreed, she'd say vehemently, "Not me--I think [whatever]," but not with huge disappointment that we weren't in accord, but just as if it was very necessary to share what she felt.

I felt so delighted when we agreed, and so desperate to understand her point of view when we didn't.

Like me, she had a Japanese boyfriend. One time we somehow got into a conversation that somehow led to something like, What if the two of us kissed? "I don't think it would be cheating," S said, "because we're girls."

I don't have the world's strongest sex drive, but I felt a thrill just then, and a sense of possibility, but also danger.

"I think it probably would be cheating," I said.

. . . Nothing ended up happening.

We stayed in touch for a long time and even now are tenuously connected thanks to Facebook.

This memory brought to you courtesy of mallorys_camera, who was writing about attraction and got me thinking.

Comments

[sovay]

We stayed in touch for a long time and even now are tenuously connected thanks to Facebook.

I am glad you didn't lose track of her.

[asakiyume]

She's a cool person; I think of her fondly.

[missroserose]

It's funny, those little moments that stay with us, even if they seem insignificant—perhaps because something significant could have happened. Branching paths.

I'm sorry to hear about the stress involved in your teaching job. It seems to be a nearly-universal thing among teaching jobs that the stress comes mostly from administration rather than in-class difficulties. I'm beginning my anatomy teaching next week (after a delay thanks to the flu), and I'm curious how that one will shake out.

[asakiyume]

Yeah it is funny about memory! Why when so much fades from it (well, in my case anyway) do some things stay bright and clear?

If I think about the stress rationally, I think it's a combination of the fact that jails are awful places, and now I have to be more intimate with one (whereas before I was only dipping in, then out) and the fact that it's a type of role (subordinate with bosses) that I haven't been in in a long time, so there's the stress of a new experience. The latter thing will gradually go down, but the former won't. I might post about that but it would have to be under a lock.

[pjthompson]

Sorry about the jail stress. They are inherently anxious places. *hugs*

[asakiyume]

You are so right. It's so glaringly obvious, and yet as a volunteer, I had been able mainly to ignore that fact, whereas now, it's right in the center of my vision, and ... yeah.

[cmcmck]

My old uni friend Alice was a lifesaver for me at that time.

She knew about what I was going through and taught me SO much about what it all really meant.

She later became an Anglican minister which didn't really surprise me and we are still very much in touch forty plus years later.

[asakiyume]

That is wonderful. Some friends are definitely keepers forever.

[minoanmiss]

*hugs you strengtheningly*

Your roommate sounds like a fascinating lady in the original sense of the word. :)

[asakiyume]

Exactly correct!

[queenoftheskies]

I hope the stress will ease up some the longer you teach there.

What a wonderful experience. It would be so amazing to live with and learn from people of other countries.

[asakiyume]

I do think some aspects of it will--there's definitely a getting-used-to-a-new-situation factor.

[mallorys_camera]

I'm honored to have inspired you. :-)

I did a little bit of GED work with incarcerated women when I worked with the literacy project in Tompkins County. I found it really tough. So God bless you. What you're doing is a great mitzvah.

[asakiyume]

I hope it is--yeah, jails are just--well, it's a topic for a different post...

[amaebi]

Thank you for this memory. I agree— if your relationships with your boyfriends were supposed to be exclusive, that would have been cheating— what’s gender got to do with it?

Also, I’m reminded of my year of boarding school. :)

I admire your work very much, and hope the stress abates soon.

While I did jail and prison visits as a pastor, I was swiftly aware that I shouldn’t do jail or prison work regularly. Jail and prison made me too mad.

[amaebi]

Oops. The point being that that was unhelpful to the imprisoned, and that suppressing all expression of it made me not very good, I think, for lack of energy.

[asakiyume]

I intuited this! (Or most of it)

[asakiyume]

Without imputing the following to my friend, I do get the impression that some people, especially in the past, but maybe now too, feel/felt that if an encounter doesn't match their main sexual orientation (so, gay if you're straight or straight if you're gay--I guess if you're bi, tough luck), then it doesn't count as cheating. Kind of like people split hairs about what acts count as cheating. But yeah, if the relationship is supposed to be exclusive, then that's that, as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah, regarding the jail, I might post a locked entry at some point.

[st_martin_a]

It is fascinating who we can be attracted to.
There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.
I guess it's a combination of physical traits that we like for whatever reason and also the soul behind the person. And it's very rare. For me anyway.

I feel exactly the same about teaching. Get rid of all the bureaucratic stuff that comes with it and it would make things so much less stressful.
:/

[asakiyume]

I get *interested* in all sorts of people, but attraction... yeah, I think it's relatively rare for me, too.

[osprey_archer]

This sounds like the start of a novel. Possibly a novel with more cheating than I would prefer, but it would definitely have an audience!

Re: the jail - I hope things get better over time. If not, at least you're only on a few months contract, which will give you a clear time to bow out if you decide that's what you want to do.

[asakiyume]

I think things will get better--and I really do like the teaching and the students a whole lot, even *with* the anxiety.

Regarding cheating, I'm more forgiving of it among the young, because when you're young, you're learning who you are and who and how you love. But even young people should be honest with each other. It's the deception that bothers me most about cheating.

[snakypoet]

When I ran poetry workshops in a prison, I too loved the work and the students. But the stress was not something I became more and more used to with time; on the contrary it was an insidious thing, which escalated. It was the atmosphere of the place – but I guess I don't need to tell you that. I started taking tranquilisers to go in there, and eventually got to a point where I realised I couldn't continue. I was a volunteer on behalf of what was then the Melbourne Branch of the Poets Union of Australia, so I was able to organise a replacement – who in turn had to do the same some months later. I hope you can have the joy without (too much of) the stress, but if you do find it's too much, I think it only means you're normal.

[asakiyume]

I agree with what you say.

I was able to do it for years as a volunteer because it was one day a week and I wasn't complicit in the whole architecture, but as an employee I kind of am. And as an employee, I have to see more of the horrors.

The students are great: they're motivated, interested, lively. The classroom feels like a classroom anywhere. But jails are jails, and there's just so much misery in them--even if they intend/want to be humane.

[snakypoet]

Alas, yes.

Anything is better than nothing – you will have given them something of value, which will stay with them, no matter how long you last. (As they will you.) Best of luck!

[rimturse]

You roommate sounds interesting. :)

I was kissed by a girl once, and I did not like it. I'm not sure if it was because she took me completely by surprise, or if it was because I wasn't attracted to her.

That was BTW. my first unexpected kiss of the evening. It's happened only twice in my life, so maybe I was hexed that day?

[asakiyume]

You must have been! What are the chances!? O r maybe someone spiked the drinks that day....

[rimturse]

lol, maybe! Certainly wasn't me, though.