not waving or drowning
Oct. 29th, 2008 09:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
asakiyumeCan't quite manage anything it seems, not even LJ posts.
My grandmother is 102; she broke her hip and is recovering. I went to visit her on Monday. We held hands, and she told me over and over what a wonderful day it was, how she was going to remember it for ever and ever and never forget, how people never forget things. She has senile dementia and is troubled by forgetting, but I knew what she was saying--she was glad not to have been forgotten in the hospital and wanted always to hold this moment.
Me too. It feels so strange to be smiling and to feel full of love and to be constantly blinking back tears. I wanted to hold her tight and make the whole world disappear; we could just be sitting somewhere Else, in the sun, just chatting. For ever and ever and ever.
I haven't been up to much since then. When I came home, the double CD Awake My Soul/Help Me To Sing was waiting for me, and never has shape-note singing felt more right. These hymns know all about loss and suffering and mysteries. One day maybe I'll post a review, but at the rate I'm going, maybe not.
Oh but that little girl on the cover (this little girl)? Her name turns out to be Lorraine Miles. The liner notes said so.
I have a short Halloween story for you all, but at the rate I'm going, that will not see the light of day either.
Also, the youngest of the forest creatures is plagued by a high fever, and in my dark mood this worries me, though we've done all the precautionary things we normally do.
Also, family obligation. My sister practically airlifted me a birthday present, and the message I got from that was that I had jolly well better not neglect hers, since these things mean a lot more to her than to me. I've made her a little something--dried apple slices, including from Golden Russet apples, that, my apple book tells me, are especially prized by a cider mill near her place--and so now I had better airlift them to her or they won't make it in time.
And work, yes, that... must get to it.
What shall I do? Shall I lie down
And sink in deep despair?
Will He forever frown,
Nor hear my feeble prayer?
No; he will put His strength in me,
He knows the way I've strolled,
And when I'm tried sufficiently
I shall come forth as gold.
--from "Columbus," no. 67; Tune: Columbian Harmony, 1829; Words: Anon., found in Mercer's Cluster, 1823
My grandmother is 102; she broke her hip and is recovering. I went to visit her on Monday. We held hands, and she told me over and over what a wonderful day it was, how she was going to remember it for ever and ever and never forget, how people never forget things. She has senile dementia and is troubled by forgetting, but I knew what she was saying--she was glad not to have been forgotten in the hospital and wanted always to hold this moment.
Me too. It feels so strange to be smiling and to feel full of love and to be constantly blinking back tears. I wanted to hold her tight and make the whole world disappear; we could just be sitting somewhere Else, in the sun, just chatting. For ever and ever and ever.
I haven't been up to much since then. When I came home, the double CD Awake My Soul/Help Me To Sing was waiting for me, and never has shape-note singing felt more right. These hymns know all about loss and suffering and mysteries. One day maybe I'll post a review, but at the rate I'm going, maybe not.
Oh but that little girl on the cover (this little girl)? Her name turns out to be Lorraine Miles. The liner notes said so.
I have a short Halloween story for you all, but at the rate I'm going, that will not see the light of day either.
Also, the youngest of the forest creatures is plagued by a high fever, and in my dark mood this worries me, though we've done all the precautionary things we normally do.
Also, family obligation. My sister practically airlifted me a birthday present, and the message I got from that was that I had jolly well better not neglect hers, since these things mean a lot more to her than to me. I've made her a little something--dried apple slices, including from Golden Russet apples, that, my apple book tells me, are especially prized by a cider mill near her place--and so now I had better airlift them to her or they won't make it in time.
And work, yes, that... must get to it.
What shall I do? Shall I lie down
And sink in deep despair?
Will He forever frown,
Nor hear my feeble prayer?
No; he will put His strength in me,
He knows the way I've strolled,
And when I'm tried sufficiently
I shall come forth as gold.
--from "Columbus," no. 67; Tune: Columbian Harmony, 1829; Words: Anon., found in Mercer's Cluster, 1823
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-29 06:03 pm (UTC)Your mood seems to mirror my own today. I haven't cried like this in awhile, mostly over my son, from whom I feel so terribly distant, and (on my bad days, like today) I feel like somehow I've failed him, and it's all my fault he hasn't received the services he needs, because I am a horrible, lazy, good-for-nothing mother with a tiny, shriveled, cold little stone of a heart. I know this is not true, but today it's all I can think about - I'm not anxious, just filled with unspeakable, leaden, black sorrow.
How you speak of your grandmother - oh, how I envy you that you can still visit her, and even though she is forgetful she still enjoys having you there. Though I am a few years younger than you, all of my grandparents died years ago.
Trying to listen to music today to soothe me, but I hate iTunes new setup and can't get it to play an entire album - just one single song, and then it stops. Today is a day where even small things are magnified and become huge irritants. Unfortunately my dh is having one of those days, too.
I hope your not-so-little one is feeling better soon.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-29 09:05 pm (UTC)((hugs)) Sorry you're feeling sad too. Of course, in his careless, happy, boyish way, your little one would tell you, with a quick hug before running off, "Of course I love you mom!" And of course he does. ♥ You are a great mom.
Check your e-mail in a few minutes :-)
no subject
Date: 2008-10-30 05:04 am (UTC)Even they keep coming so fast, and I wish they slow down a little -- still, it's me, it's part of my life, and can't imagine hating my life, or any part of it... for better or for worse :)
no subject
Date: 2008-10-30 05:07 am (UTC)