not waving or drowning

[asakiyume]

Can't quite manage anything it seems, not even LJ posts.

My grandmother is 102; she broke her hip and is recovering. I went to visit her on Monday. We held hands, and she told me over and over what a wonderful day it was, how she was going to remember it for ever and ever and never forget, how people never forget things. She has senile dementia and is troubled by forgetting, but I knew what she was saying--she was glad not to have been forgotten in the hospital and wanted always to hold this moment.

Me too. It feels so strange to be smiling and to feel full of love and to be constantly blinking back tears. I wanted to hold her tight and make the whole world disappear; we could just be sitting somewhere Else, in the sun, just chatting. For ever and ever and ever.

I haven't been up to much since then. When I came home, the double CD Awake My Soul/Help Me To Sing was waiting for me, and never has shape-note singing felt more right. These hymns know all about loss and suffering and mysteries. One day maybe I'll post a review, but at the rate I'm going, maybe not.

Oh but that little girl on the cover (this little girl)? Her name turns out to be Lorraine Miles. The liner notes said so.

I have a short Halloween story for you all, but at the rate I'm going, that will not see the light of day either.

Also, the youngest of the forest creatures is plagued by a high fever, and in my dark mood this worries me, though we've done all the precautionary things we normally do.

Also, family obligation. My sister practically airlifted me a birthday present, and the message I got from that was that I had jolly well better not neglect hers, since these things mean a lot more to her than to me. I've made her a little something--dried apple slices, including from Golden Russet apples, that, my apple book tells me, are especially prized by a cider mill near her place--and so now I had better airlift them to her or they won't make it in time.

And work, yes, that... must get to it.

What shall I do? Shall I lie down
And sink in deep despair?
Will He forever frown,
Nor hear my feeble prayer?
No; he will put His strength in me,
He knows the way I've strolled,
And when I'm tried sufficiently
I shall come forth as gold.
--from "Columbus," no. 67; Tune: Columbian Harmony, 1829; Words: Anon., found in Mercer's Cluster, 1823

Comments

[sovay]

I have thought for some time you would like this song; now seems as good a day as any to share it, since it is about year-turnings. I am glad you saw your grandmother. Be well.

The year moved further over in the winds of Halloween
He ducked for apples, sang his song
Put on his mask and moved along
To guise away October and build November fires
Gather in the greenery for Christmas's delights
When trees are frosted white for boys in winter

—Dave Goulder, "Boy in Winter"

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

That suits me just perfectly today; what a beautiful beautiful song. And I love that the album title is "Stone, Steam, and Starlings"--starlings are a marvel of this time of year, for sure.

I love the interlude with "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" in the middle, and the mention of beech leaves. Beech leaves! Leaves are such talismans.

[sovay]

That suits me just perfectly today; what a beautiful beautiful song.

I love Dave Goulder. I have only the one album of his (bought in 2001 at a concert of Gordon Bok's, who does a nice version of Goulder's "Stone on Stone"), but I am attempting to acquire more. I think he's not easy to find in this country.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I love this one too, how it goes through the seasons

Working in the frosty weather when the stones are stuck togehter
Lifting divots, soil and heather as I prise them off the ground
And little work is done until the weak and wintery sun
Loosens up the icy grip and I can lay me hammer down..

and then, come spring...

Stones taken from the land are warm under the hand

Bok as in one of the trio who sings "John Barleycorn"?

[sovay]

Bok as in one of the trio who sings "John Barleycorn"?

The same. I grew up on his records. To this day, I don't own most of his music on CD. At least in the case of Turning Toward the Morning (1975), I should amend that. He's a lot like the folksinger laureate of Downeast Maine and the Maritimes.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thanks; I'm sure I'll be well-tempered in the end :-P

Yeah, my grandmother is one impressive centenarian ♥

[suzan-s.livejournal.com]

What a wonderful post. I wish I could give your gramma a hug too. With loving people in our lives we all have the chance to come forth in gold.

Hope your little feverish one is well soon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thanks suzan_s--the little one (not so little anymore, at 11!) is resting on the couch.

You'd love my grandmother--she's the best :-)

[ennisdrake.livejournal.com]

"I wanted to hold her tight and make the whole world disappear; we could just be sitting somewhere Else, in the sun, just chatting. For ever and ever and ever."

There'll always be a place inside you where this is true. Where it is, and will always be reality. Thought is energy, and energy cannot be destroyed. So sorry to see this news, asakiyume. My thoughts are with you.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

It's true what you say. And thanks for your good wishes :-)

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

If you've had a birthday (I think I read that right; the smog has fried my brain) I hope it was a good one.

Have you read any Marilynne Robinson? If not, I think you would love this writer.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I will have to check Marilynne Robinson out--what kinds of things does she write?

Yes, I did have a birthday, and it was fine; it comes very close to my older daughter's, and we tend to focus on that one, which is how I like it. But now I'm halfway to 90 :-P

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

She's only written three or four novels, but they are amazing. I'm reading Gilead now. It keeps reminding me of you.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

My mother loved that book--I've really got to read it.

[behindpyramids.livejournal.com]

*hug*
I hope you had a happy birthday!
I keep failing at words but I'm just so sorry to hear that you're down because you're such a wonderful person and your journal is this shining light no matter what mood you're in. I hope life gets better soon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your thoughts! They mean a lot :-) Funny (and wonderful) how that works.

You *never* fail at words. I love all your words.

[deponti.livejournal.com]

HUGGGS....as you do know, childhood fevers pass fast....worries...they sneak into our minds and take over....!

I hope you got the apple slices out on time, and I am glad you got time with your grandmother.

Life is tough....

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Sometimes little tiny things can seem like such insurmountable hurdles, you know? And when you're down, everything like that is magnified. But I'll be over it soon. Thanks for your hug :-)

[inspirethoughts.livejournal.com]

Hope your anxiety comes down sooner. All will be well soon. Just give it time and some patience.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thank you--yes, I think in a couple of days it will seem much more reasonable and not so overwhelming.

[skogkatt.livejournal.com]

Your grandmother sounds wonderful. I'm sorry that she's been in hospital. I'm also sorry to hear about all the other things you have to worry about right now. I hope things ease up soon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I think if I focus small enough, it'll be better. It doesn't help that my main client just alerted me to two typos that I let slip through in my editing. But if I just focus on a small enough list of things to do...

Thanks :-) And here's to La Mrowsea eating some chicken soon. Kiss her head for me!

[therinth.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

The inbetween times are the most difficult.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Yeah--it's okay; just the tide of how things go...

[dark-phoenix54.livejournal.com]

Best wishes to your grandmother and to the young forest creature.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thank you :-)

[sin-agua.livejournal.com]

Yikes, I missed your birthday! I don't know how it came to be that I am unaware of when your birthday is... :( I am sorry I missed it. I hope you did something happy.

Your mood seems to mirror my own today. I haven't cried like this in awhile, mostly over my son, from whom I feel so terribly distant, and (on my bad days, like today) I feel like somehow I've failed him, and it's all my fault he hasn't received the services he needs, because I am a horrible, lazy, good-for-nothing mother with a tiny, shriveled, cold little stone of a heart. I know this is not true, but today it's all I can think about - I'm not anxious, just filled with unspeakable, leaden, black sorrow.

How you speak of your grandmother - oh, how I envy you that you can still visit her, and even though she is forgetful she still enjoys having you there. Though I am a few years younger than you, all of my grandparents died years ago.

Trying to listen to music today to soothe me, but I hate iTunes new setup and can't get it to play an entire album - just one single song, and then it stops. Today is a day where even small things are magnified and become huge irritants. Unfortunately my dh is having one of those days, too.

I hope your not-so-little one is feeling better soon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Oh don't worry about the birthday. I hate birthdays for precisely this--people feeling guilty. Such a chance to trip up! No worries at all. I don't tell people my birthday if I can possibly help it.

((hugs)) Sorry you're feeling sad too. Of course, in his careless, happy, boyish way, your little one would tell you, with a quick hug before running off, "Of course I love you mom!" And of course he does. ♥ You are a great mom.

Check your e-mail in a few minutes :-)

[origa.livejournal.com]

(with apology for cutting in) You hate birthdays? :)))

Even they keep coming so fast, and I wish they slow down a little -- still, it's me, it's part of my life, and can't imagine hating my life, or any part of it... for better or for worse :)

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

"Hate" is probably too strong a word--thank you for the kind wishes ♥

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

*quiet hug*

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

^_^

thanks

[kythiaranos.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

thanks--I mean to e-mail you. I loved your story in Desolate Places. Then I read the first story and loved that, too. Definitely a great purchase.

[tithenai.livejournal.com]

*tight hugs* I hope you feel better soon, hon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Oh, I will--ebb and flow. Thanks, though. These comments have helped a lot.

[ebourland.livejournal.com]

May that forest creature get better very soon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thank you--I hope he gets better soon, too. He'd like to be well by Halloween, but that seems unlikely.

[redcoast.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's old. I wonder what it's like.

How high is his high fever?

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Not super-duper high. Just medium-high. 102.7

[redcoast.livejournal.com]

Eh, that's pretty high. He probably just has the flu, though.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

If he's like this tomorrow I'm taking him back to the doctor to check for appendicitis, as he has abdominal pain and no appetite.

[redcoast.livejournal.com]

Appendicitis? I doubt it muchly.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I know, but I've known lots of people who got it, including one whose appendix ruptured, and I'd rather be a hysterical mother than one with a kid who's got a ruptured appendix.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I ended up taking him to the emergency room; he had a bunch of tests and does NOT have appendicitis. So, you were right. But I'm glad I went.

[redcoast.livejournal.com]

People with appendicitis have this particular way of reacting when you push on their stomachs, which is why I didn't think he had it. Wow, the emergency room. I don't think we've taken a kid there since Mary Grace got her foot stuck in the door.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

He did react that way when I pushed his stomach! That's why I took him. But it wasn't a true appendicitis-level bad, turns out. But two of Waka's siblings had appendicitis in their childhoods, and Waka himself had a "grumbling appendix" (not serious enough to need to be removed), and I had another friend who just put up with the pain as a kid, and then was hospitalized for a month with a ruptured appendix.... blah blah. I'm glad he didn't have it, though, for sure.

[athenais.livejournal.com]

Oh! So this is gold coming on, is it? Well, then. Perhaps I can keep going a bit longer. Should try not to cry, tho.

102 is a good age and a bad temperature. Best wishes to both of your kin.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Wow--I hadn't noticed that coincidence of numbers.

That kind of freaks me out until I turn my rationality up to high.

Sometimes I think I'd prefer to be peaceful dross, thanks very much, but yes, if this is gold in the making, so be it.

Thanks for the good wishes.

[beraht.livejournal.com]

I hope you all feel better soon.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thanks Aesiron :-)

[beraht.livejournal.com]

Call me Robert if you like. Or at least Aes. Calling me Aesiron is like calling me "Sir" or "Mr Deaver". :p

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

I kinda like "Aes"--but Robert is good too.

[slobbit.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

thanks :-)

[a-soft-world.livejournal.com]

Hope the healing angel gets better soon, and I hope your sadness passes soon, as well. Somedays there isn't much you can do but to just let things wash over you, and wait until they wash out again.

*hugs*

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thanks C. Thought of you a lot today. Hope you're feeling better too, soon.

[origa.livejournal.com]

I remember you told about your grandmother before... It's good that she is happy, and you can see her and hold her... My great-grandmother lived 100 years, and I remember talking with her when she was about 99 (then I moved to other part of the country) -- she still had a perfectly clear mind, and remembered most of her life! Can you imagine? It was as if I was listening to a "history lessons" from a real witness... or something like that :)

I wish you have a brighter days soon, dear Francesca! Sorry for not answering your every post (as I wish I would! they are so warm and beautiful, and fascinating!) -- I hope I can catch up on many of them soon :)

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Don't ever feel guilty about not answering every post, truly. I don't answer all of yours, and it's not because I'm uninterested, but that life sometimes seems overwhelming, etc. Come and go when you can, as if we're passing in the street and stop to talk. If you miss one entry, there will always be another one. I believe in your friendship :-)

[origa.livejournal.com]

It's not about feeling guilty -- it's about missing something really beautiful: your expressing your heart, your vision of the world, and our communication... I am sorry that it is impossible to embrace everything, the whole world, the unembraceble ...

(*hug*)

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

[i-am-sarah.livejournal.com]

I'm sad that you're sad. I hope you are happier soon, but it's good to not ignore your feelings. Your grandma is in my thoughts/prayers, and so are you and your little forest creature :) I read on facebook that your little boy doesn't have appendicitis, so YAY for that! I hope he feels better soon. Fevers are miserable things!

Lots of hugs for you :)

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thanks Sarah--I really appreciated your notes on Facebook too. His fever went down today, and I let him go out trick-or-treating. (Then he was exhausted and fell right asleep)

[b-oki.livejournal.com]

God bless you and your dear grandmother.

Hope youngest forest creature is better today.

Your words have greatly touched me. Thank you. {{{ WARM HUGS}}}

"Me too. It feels so strange to be smiling and to feel full of love and to be constantly blinking back tears. I wanted to hold her tight and make the whole world disappear; we could just be sitting somewhere Else, in the sun, just chatting. For ever and ever and ever."

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

Thank you Bette! He is actually feeling much, much better today--still has a fever, but lower.

[jugduf.livejournal.com]

Man, everyone's pretty sad right now...

I'll be coming by tomorrow, sometime between 1 and 5. Hope the youngest is doing ok.

[asakiyume.livejournal.com]

He's a lot better--still has a fever, but not as high. I'm feeling better today.

Can you guys man the door for trick or treaters, if I need to take S to Rag Shag?