asakiyume: created by the ninja girl (corvus corone)
asakiyume ([personal profile] asakiyume) wrote2008-10-29 09:40 am

not waving or drowning

Can't quite manage anything it seems, not even LJ posts.

My grandmother is 102; she broke her hip and is recovering. I went to visit her on Monday. We held hands, and she told me over and over what a wonderful day it was, how she was going to remember it for ever and ever and never forget, how people never forget things. She has senile dementia and is troubled by forgetting, but I knew what she was saying--she was glad not to have been forgotten in the hospital and wanted always to hold this moment.

Me too. It feels so strange to be smiling and to feel full of love and to be constantly blinking back tears. I wanted to hold her tight and make the whole world disappear; we could just be sitting somewhere Else, in the sun, just chatting. For ever and ever and ever.

I haven't been up to much since then. When I came home, the double CD Awake My Soul/Help Me To Sing was waiting for me, and never has shape-note singing felt more right. These hymns know all about loss and suffering and mysteries. One day maybe I'll post a review, but at the rate I'm going, maybe not.

Oh but that little girl on the cover (this little girl)? Her name turns out to be Lorraine Miles. The liner notes said so.

I have a short Halloween story for you all, but at the rate I'm going, that will not see the light of day either.

Also, the youngest of the forest creatures is plagued by a high fever, and in my dark mood this worries me, though we've done all the precautionary things we normally do.

Also, family obligation. My sister practically airlifted me a birthday present, and the message I got from that was that I had jolly well better not neglect hers, since these things mean a lot more to her than to me. I've made her a little something--dried apple slices, including from Golden Russet apples, that, my apple book tells me, are especially prized by a cider mill near her place--and so now I had better airlift them to her or they won't make it in time.

And work, yes, that... must get to it.

What shall I do? Shall I lie down
And sink in deep despair?
Will He forever frown,
Nor hear my feeble prayer?
No; he will put His strength in me,
He knows the way I've strolled,
And when I'm tried sufficiently
I shall come forth as gold.

--from "Columbus," no. 67; Tune: Columbian Harmony, 1829; Words: Anon., found in Mercer's Cluster, 1823
sovay: (Default)

[personal profile] sovay 2008-10-29 02:10 pm (UTC)(link)
I have thought for some time you would like this song; now seems as good a day as any to share it, since it is about year-turnings. I am glad you saw your grandmother. Be well.

The year moved further over in the winds of Halloween
He ducked for apples, sang his song
Put on his mask and moved along
To guise away October and build November fires
Gather in the greenery for Christmas's delights
When trees are frosted white for boys in winter


—Dave Goulder, "Boy in Winter"

[identity profile] suzan-s.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 02:35 pm (UTC)(link)
What a wonderful post. I wish I could give your gramma a hug too. With loving people in our lives we all have the chance to come forth in gold.

Hope your little feverish one is well soon.

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:04 pm (UTC)(link)
That suits me just perfectly today; what a beautiful beautiful song. And I love that the album title is "Stone, Steam, and Starlings"--starlings are a marvel of this time of year, for sure.

I love the interlude with "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" in the middle, and the mention of beech leaves. Beech leaves! Leaves are such talismans.

[identity profile] ennisdrake.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:06 pm (UTC)(link)
"I wanted to hold her tight and make the whole world disappear; we could just be sitting somewhere Else, in the sun, just chatting. For ever and ever and ever."

There'll always be a place inside you where this is true. Where it is, and will always be reality. Thought is energy, and energy cannot be destroyed. So sorry to see this news, asakiyume. My thoughts are with you.

[identity profile] sartorias.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:16 pm (UTC)(link)
If you've had a birthday (I think I read that right; the smog has fried my brain) I hope it was a good one.

Have you read any Marilynne Robinson? If not, I think you would love this writer.

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks; I'm sure I'll be well-tempered in the end :-P

Yeah, my grandmother is one impressive centenarian ♥

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:42 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks [livejournal.com profile] suzan_s--the little one (not so little anymore, at 11!) is resting on the couch.

You'd love my grandmother--she's the best :-)

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:43 pm (UTC)(link)
It's true what you say. And thanks for your good wishes :-)

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:45 pm (UTC)(link)
I will have to check Marilynne Robinson out--what kinds of things does she write?

Yes, I did have a birthday, and it was fine; it comes very close to my older daughter's, and we tend to focus on that one, which is how I like it. But now I'm halfway to 90 :-P

[identity profile] behindpyramids.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:50 pm (UTC)(link)
*hug*
I hope you had a happy birthday!
I keep failing at words but I'm just so sorry to hear that you're down because you're such a wonderful person and your journal is this shining light no matter what mood you're in. I hope life gets better soon.

[identity profile] deponti.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:54 pm (UTC)(link)
HUGGGS....as you do know, childhood fevers pass fast....worries...they sneak into our minds and take over....!

I hope you got the apple slices out on time, and I am glad you got time with your grandmother.

Life is tough....

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:57 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks for your thoughts! They mean a lot :-) Funny (and wonderful) how that works.

You *never* fail at words. I love all your words.

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 03:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Sometimes little tiny things can seem like such insurmountable hurdles, you know? And when you're down, everything like that is magnified. But I'll be over it soon. Thanks for your hug :-)

[identity profile] sartorias.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 04:32 pm (UTC)(link)
She's only written three or four novels, but they are amazing. I'm reading Gilead now. It keeps reminding me of you.

[identity profile] inspirethoughts.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 04:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Hope your anxiety comes down sooner. All will be well soon. Just give it time and some patience.

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 04:35 pm (UTC)(link)
My mother loved that book--I've really got to read it.

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 04:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you--yes, I think in a couple of days it will seem much more reasonable and not so overwhelming.

[identity profile] skogkatt.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 04:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Your grandmother sounds wonderful. I'm sorry that she's been in hospital. I'm also sorry to hear about all the other things you have to worry about right now. I hope things ease up soon.

[identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 04:57 pm (UTC)(link)
I think if I focus small enough, it'll be better. It doesn't help that my main client just alerted me to two typos that I let slip through in my editing. But if I just focus on a small enough list of things to do...

Thanks :-) And here's to La Mrowsea eating some chicken soon. Kiss her head for me!

[identity profile] therinth.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 05:14 pm (UTC)(link)
*hugs*

The inbetween times are the most difficult.
sovay: (Default)

[personal profile] sovay 2008-10-29 05:25 pm (UTC)(link)
That suits me just perfectly today; what a beautiful beautiful song.

I love Dave Goulder. I have only the one album of his (bought in 2001 at a concert of Gordon Bok's, who does a nice version of Goulder's "Stone on Stone"), but I am attempting to acquire more. I think he's not easy to find in this country.

[identity profile] dark-phoenix54.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 05:39 pm (UTC)(link)
Best wishes to your grandmother and to the young forest creature.

[identity profile] sin-agua.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 06:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Yikes, I missed your birthday! I don't know how it came to be that I am unaware of when your birthday is... :( I am sorry I missed it. I hope you did something happy.

Your mood seems to mirror my own today. I haven't cried like this in awhile, mostly over my son, from whom I feel so terribly distant, and (on my bad days, like today) I feel like somehow I've failed him, and it's all my fault he hasn't received the services he needs, because I am a horrible, lazy, good-for-nothing mother with a tiny, shriveled, cold little stone of a heart. I know this is not true, but today it's all I can think about - I'm not anxious, just filled with unspeakable, leaden, black sorrow.

How you speak of your grandmother - oh, how I envy you that you can still visit her, and even though she is forgetful she still enjoys having you there. Though I am a few years younger than you, all of my grandparents died years ago.

Trying to listen to music today to soothe me, but I hate iTunes new setup and can't get it to play an entire album - just one single song, and then it stops. Today is a day where even small things are magnified and become huge irritants. Unfortunately my dh is having one of those days, too.

I hope your not-so-little one is feeling better soon.

[identity profile] haikujaguar.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 07:05 pm (UTC)(link)
*quiet hug*

[identity profile] kythiaranos.livejournal.com 2008-10-29 07:39 pm (UTC)(link)
*hugs*

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